Jenny from The Blog(gess)

That's a stuffed weasel.  Her name is Juanita.  She belongs to Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess who is one of the funniest women I've seen or read.  She's up there with Tina Fey for me and I heart Tina a lot.

Jenny, The Bloggess, is a very busy writer, with several other blogs and a new book coming out in April (I've already pre-ordered a copy).  Her posts are about her daily life, so it's that much funnier because it's true.   Check her out if you haven't before.  I recommend starting with this post from a year or so ago:  http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/.  (When I made Bill read it he laughed then looked me straight in the eye and said,"Don't you dare go buy a 5 foot metal chicken.")

Secretly (or not so secretly) I wish I could make a living writing like her.

Back to Juanita...

I think she's kinda cool in a very creepy way.  The Bloggess shared this PG version of the picture so followers can make up their own caption/quote/meme.  What do you think she's saying/doing thinking?

Here's mine:

You Drank What?

"Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing."  Benjamin Franklin


I have done neither of those today...other than earning a "did-you-fall-and-bump-your-head?" look when Heather and I decided to try a liver-detox-cleanse cocktail.

Here's the recipe.  I'm pretty sure Paula Deen doesn't have it.

4 ounces unsweetened cranberry juice
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 ounce B-12 something or other
juice of half a lemon


It is truly disgusting, but promises to 'cleanse the liver' (I didn't know my liver needed cleaning products), 'increase energy', and 'melt away the pounds'.  Right.

But guess what?  I am soooo doing this...whatever this is.. because I want a clean liver!

By the way, we got the concoction from My Fit Foods.  I'm sick of frozen Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, and Weight Watchers for lunch at work.  And when I'm sick of them, that usually means I head to the nearest Chipotle  (I could consume gallons of their hot sauce).  Heather turned me on to My Fit Foods for healthy lunch meals that are way better than the frozen stuff.

Awesome Valentine's Day

Good grief it has been busy in this house!  We had our Valentine's Day celebration Saturday night at one of my favorite places, Steiner Ranch Steakhouse.  And then I actually made cookies and chocolate candy things for Scarlett's daycare buddies.  Yep...rolled that cookie dough right out of the tube and into the oven.

The most stressful thing was getting Bill's V-Day card and gift.  I am awful at buying greeting cards. Birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day...I always get something lame. Usually I'm overwhelmed by the racks of paper and cartoon images, so I wind up picking the first card that doesn't have a picture of a kitten on it.

But not this year!  I found the perfect card for Bill...

He loved it, which I think says a whole lot about our relationship.

I also scored major points with this little guy:

I don't think he has a name yet, but he's very popular at work with Bill.

I would rate this as a successful Valentine's Day.  Next up is our anniversary and Bill's birthday in March.  I should start now, but I'm sure I will wait until the last minute and panic as usual.

In the meantime, here's another Valentine e-card that I think is just perfect.

Happy Valentine's Day!

As Seen On TV

I broke some hearts the other day when I posted on my Facebook wall, "free pajama jeans to everyone who follows my blog."

I was kidding.  But apparently, several of my friends were disappointed that I was not giving away PajamaJeans.

I was relieved, however, to know that I am not the only one who secretly wants a pair of PajamaJeans.  Who doesn't want to wear something that "feels like sleepwear but looks too good to keep under the covers"?

And you know what?  There are a whole lot of other infomercial and 'as seen on TV' products that I have secretly wanted.

The Clapper

I could use this like right now.  The TV is on and the remote is way over there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfgN5tUgjb8

Sham Wow


I want to buy one just because the dude is so awesome.  Also, I would like to yell, "Get the Sham Wow!" whenever something was spilled.  And don't forget the free second set!  That's a lot of Sham Wow!

https://www.shamwow.com/

Bumpit

If you could see a picture of my hair in high school (late 80s), then you might not think the Bumpit is so bad.

http://www.bighappiehair.com/

Flowbee

You know, for just a bang trim.

http://www.flowbee.com/

Snuggie

Oh wait...I have one already!

http://www.mysnuggiestore.com/

There are so many other infomercials and 'as seen on TV' products that are classics.  Life Alert, anyone?  Sweatin' to the Oldies?  Tony Little's Gazelle?  PedEgg?  What are your favorites?

I really think that some day I'm going to have a Christmas party gift-exchange.  The rule will be that the gifts have to be something from an 'as seen on TV' commercial.  Put me down for an all edges brownie pan!

So...what products have you ordered late at night after watching the infomercial or bad commercial?  Did it work?

And That's Why I Should Have Taken Home Ec

Me:  "I burned up dinner. In a crockpot."

Heather:  "How did you manage to do that?"

Me:  "Exactly."

Heather:  "Wow. That takes real talent."

It's true. I threw some pork chops, seasoning and soup in the crockpot before I left for work. When I got home, it was a dry, charred, stinky mess.

It occurred to me around 3 in the afternoon that I might have set the pot on the high setting instead of low. I was in a hurry to get out of the house and didn't pay attention.

When I finally talked to Bill around 5:30, he asked the standard "what's for dinner" question.

"Weelll," I said. "That depends on what happened to the pork chops in the crockpot."

"What does that mean?"

"I may have left it on high and they may have burned up.".

"Ok then. I guess I'll go home and see if the house is on fire."

Thankfully there was no fire. But Bill was standing in the drive-way with the front door open.

"You may want to take a look at this. "

Ever so supportive, he left it up to me to decide if the burned, dried-up mess was edible for dinner. It wasn't.

So off to our local café for dinner.

"Look, babe. The special tonight is pork chops."

Seriously, not funny.  Ok...maybe it's funny.

I would like to say that this was a rare mishap for me in the kitchen, but sadly it's not. It's not the first time I've burned up something in the crockpot. Other times I've forgotten to turn the damn thing on and had a pot of room temperature raw food at the end of the day. Bill cringes any time I decide to cook or bake because I create the biggest disaster in the kitchen.

And I have always been this way.  I was never interested in the kitchen as a kid, and never took Home Economics in school.  Now I feel this obligation to at least try to cook something every once in a while, but I'm really not very good at it, and I'm okay with that.

From time to time I think I might want to take a cooking class, but the reality is that being Julia Childs or Rachel Ray just isn't me.  I'm messy.  I don't know my way around my kitchen very well.  One time I actually looked up how to hard boil an egg.  And I'm busy.  The last thing I want to do is spend my time in the kitchen.  Cooking is just not my thing.

Some day I may take that cooking class, just for the experience, but I doubt that it will change who I am.  I will still put the crockpot on the wrong setting, burn grilled cheese, add the wrong spice or ingredient  (I once added lemon extract instead of vanilla to a brownie mix).  The downside is that I probably won't be able to teach Scarlett much about cooking.  But maybe that's something we can learn together if she takes that home ec class I should have taken in school.

Flying Monkey Security

Bill:  "That is the ugliest monkey I've ever seen."

Me:  "Leave the monkey alone.  He's part of our security system."

Bill:  "Why do we need a security system?"

Me:  "Because you said that burglars were on the loose!"

He shakes his head and laughs because clearly he thinks I'm nuts.  But seriously, he's the one who called earlier to "check on things" since there had been another home invasion near us.  Two guys busted into a house, tazed and tied up the homeowners, and left with some stuff.  None of those things are on my Bucket List.

Hence my flying monkey security guard, strategically placed in the hallway in front of the door.

I'm hoping that he will distract any burglar long enough for me to get to the shotgun, or at least to something I can throw at them.  Like one of Scarlett's Weebles.  (Yes, I honestly believe that a burglar will stop to read a note I left him.  How can you ignore that monkey?)

And honestly, how can Bill say that's the ugliest monkey he's ever seen?  I think he's kind of cute.  Now he needs a name.  Suggestions?

Never Talk to Strangers.

The answer should have been "No."

The question was, "Can I join you for a few minutes?"

Not wanting to be rude, I said, "Sure!"

And so began a 15 minute conversation with an intoxicated man while waiting for lunch.

His questions were simple.

"Where do you work? Why do you do that kind of work? What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen?"

And repetitive.

(Takes a swig of beer) "Where do you work? Why do you do that kind of work? What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen?"

After the third time of this series of questions, it was clear that he was either not able to process our answers or was looking for a more entertaining answer.

So after the third "what's the weirdest thing you've ever seen" question, Heather says,

"Pineapple on pizza."

And then our food arrived and we said our goodbyes to our new friend who was clearly confused by pineapple on pizza and wandered away.

And that's why you should never talk to strangers.